The Land of the Lounge Lizards
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Drabble novelization of Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards. Larry Laffer goes looking to lose his virginity. Spoilers if you haven't played the game. Rated T for mild sexual content and a little profanity.
1. Larry Laffer

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards_. Al Lowe and Sierra created it and own it.

* * *

_**Larry Laffer**_

* * *

He was one swinging little man, that Larry Laffer.

Larry had just left his parents' basement and slipped into a white leisure suit, and now he had arrived in the city of Lost Wages in the middle of the night for some debauchery. His goal was to find true love with the right beautiful woman in town, and consummate their relationship with some wild sex.

As this lovable loser got out of a taxi and stepped up to the sleazy bar named "Lefty's," he was ready even to go through some really dirty places to fulfill his self-proclaimed quest.


	2. Lefty's Whiskey

_**Lefty's Whiskey**_

* * *

Inside, Larry found several men and a woman at the bar. Lefty himself was serving drinks. Larry took a seat and loosened up with a beer or two. Then he ordered some whiskey, but decided to carry it around with him. "You never know when someone may do a favor for a good, stiff drink," he thought.

After listening to a sleazy song on the jukebox briefly, he went in the direction of the bathroom and found a rose. He also found a drunk leaning against the wall. The filthy drunk asked if he and Larry could share a little drink.


	3. A Stinky Bathroom

_**A Stinky Bathroom**_

* * *

Larry offered the man his whiskey, and he was so grateful that he gave Larry his only possess- hic! All he had in the world: a TV remote. Larry wondered which TV it worked on.

In the bathroom, graffiti was all over the walls, ranging from phrases like, "Scott me up, Beamie!" to "Here's the password: Ken sent me." He took a shit in the toilet and felt relieved, but discovered after wiping that the toilet was broken, so it couldn't be flushed. Washing his hands in the sink, he even found a diamond ring.

He took it for his normal self rather than looking for its original owner.


	4. The Taxi Ride

_**The Taxi Ride**_

* * *

Larry knew there was a prostitute behind the side door in Lefty's bar, but he wanted protection before he would go and sell himself for sex, so he went outside and called for a cab. The driver asked him "Where to, buddy?" He said, "The convenience store, the Quick-E-Mart."

The driver gave him a ride to said store, during which Larry did his best to hold his breath in this stinking taxicab, which was filthy beyond recognition. It wasn't easy, for sure.

When they finally arrived, Larry paid the appropriate price for the ride and got out, grateful to get out of there with his sense of smell intact!


	5. Condoms in a Quick-E-Mart

_**Condoms in a Quick-E-Mart**_

* * *

Larry loved convenience stores. He could get the most basic condiments for the cheapest prices in any of them. He bought a magazine and some cheap wine that he hoped would be useful, and went to the counter to purchase it.

He discreetly asked the clerk if he had any condoms. To be more specific, he asked for it to be ribbed, colored, lubricated, plaid, and peppermint-flavored. The clerk was as discreet as him until then. Then he shouted to the seemingly empty store about a weirdo buying said condom. Faces appeared from nowhere and they said, "What a pervert!"

Pissed off, Larry thanked the "big-mouthed" clerk and left with his stuff.


	6. Hot Line Sex Survey

**_Hot Line Sex Survey_**

* * *

After leaving the store, Larry looked at a street phone that had a phone number printed on it: 555-6969. He decided, "What the hell," and dialed the number. The National Hot Line Sex Survey asked him about his favorite sexual things, and promised him a prize for participating, but they hung up without giving it to him.

"Probably a bummer prize anyway!"

Then an old wino stumbled towards him and asked for spare change, or a drink. Larry was very generous and gave him the bottle of cheap wine. The wino, in turn, gave Larry his trusty pocket knife to defend himself from sexy, but dangerous, girls, and stumbled off into the night.


	7. Getting Past a Pimp

**_Getting Past a Pimp_**

* * *

Larry returned to Lefty's by taxicab, as he was now ready to meet this lovely young lady of the night. He knocked on the Naugahyde door, feeling sorry for Naugas while doing so, and a pimp answered the door. A window in the door opened, and he asked, "What's the password?" Larry said, "Ken sent me."

The pimp, a big, fat man in a short T-shirt, let him enter an empty room with only a television set for decoration, but wouldn't let him go up a staircase to the next level. Larry knew he had to get there, though, and he knew a way to improvise. He used the remote to turn on the TV and flipped stations, looking for the right program to distract the pimp.


	8. Date With a Hooker

**_Date With a Hooker_**

* * *

Finally, after flipping through documentaries, soap operas, educational shows, Mr. Rogers, and who knew what else, Larry found a porn program that hit the pimp's cultural level. The pimp sat in front of the television, while Larry quickly sped up the stairs.

There was the hooker, lying on a bed, waiting for her next caller. Larry had been waiting for this moment for a while, and now it was here. He took off his leisure suit and put on the condom, and he got in bed with her.

They made wild, passionate love, and Larry knew now what it felt like to consummate!


	9. Escape From Lefty's

**_Escape From Lefty's_**

* * *

Now Larry knew what a man's organs felt like while going through exhilaration like that. But somehow, he felt unfulfilled. Having sex with a hooker lacked the feeling of love and commitment that sex with a true lover had. He resolved to try again until he found someone better, or day came and he killed himself.

He exited the room through an outside window, though not before he took a good looking box of candy from a table. He knew some women loved candy. He went down the fire escape and fell in a dumpster. There was an old hammer in it, which Larry took as well. Remembering to dispose of the condom for fear of being busted, Larry called a cab again and rode to the Casino Hotel.


	10. Lady Luck Blackjack

**_Lady Luck Blackjack_**

* * *

Larry also loved casinos. It was a lot of fun playing those games of chance with those beautiful decks of cards and those gleaming slot machines, not to mention the craps and roulette tables. This particular casino had two Blackjack tables and several slot machines. Larry chose to start with Blackjack.

For someone who had never been to a casino before, Larry Laffer was a good strategist at this game, and he won enough money through several Blackjacks and winning hands to continue traveling around town looking for women.

"Blackjack is my lucky lady tonight; I can do anything when I can play it!"


	11. Go to the Disco

_**Go to the Disco**_

* * *

Always looking for anything that could help him find true love, Larry checked out the Cabaret Lounge on the hotel's ground floor. A comedian was telling jokes to a non-existent crowd. They weren't very good jokes though, although some were about Larry's kind of topics, so he decided to investigate elsewhere.

As he passed an ashtray next to a planter, he saw a card lying in it. He looked at it. It was a misplaced disco pass. Perfect! Larry had been hoping to have better luck at the private disco. He took it and went outside to hail a cab again.


	12. Unfortunate Fruit

_**Unfortunate Fruit**_

* * *

Before he could go, though, Larry was approached by a naked man wearing an empty barrel to hide his shame. The man asked if he could help a poor unfortunate by buying an apple. The price was only a dollar. Yet again, Larry chose to be generous and paid the man a dollar, getting the apple as a consequence.

The man thanked Larry, and then walked off into the night. Then the cab arrived. Larry got in and asked to be taken to the disco. The cabby obliged, and in a matter of minutes, Mr. Leisure Suit Larry was there.


	13. Gift Giving

**_Gift Giving_**

* * *

Outside the disco, a bouncer stopped Larry, saying it was a private club. Larry showed his "borrowed" membership card to the bouncer, and the man let him enter.

Inside were a bunch of men who looked just like Larry, losers all gazing hopefully at a single blond woman sitting alone at a table. Since the other men were making no moves, Larry decided to join the woman. She introduced herself as Fawn. She didn't dig Larry's manner of speech, but she responded with enthusiasm when Larry first gave her his rose and then the hooker's candy. She loved them.

He asked her to dance, and they joined each other on the dance floor, where they did the boogie-woogie, and Larry even tossed and caught Fawn. When the dance ended, they sat down again.


	14. More Gift Giving

**_More Gift Giving_**

* * *

Fawn was ecstatic about Larry, but still didn't seem quite satisfied, so Larry gave her the ring he found in Lefty's bathroom. Fortunately, he didn't tell her that's where he found it. She called Larry "sweet," and wanted to make wild, passionate love to him. But first, she wanted to marry him, because she wanted her lover to be her husband. She asked for a hundred bucks for them to get married at the marriage chapel by the casino.

Larry willingly paid her, thinking that luck was with him, and she ran off, saying that she would be waiting at the chapel.

What had Larry Laffer gotten himself into this time?


	15. Temple of Mammon

**_Temple of Mammon_**

* * *

Larry followed Fawn to the Quick-E-Wed wedding chapel in the usual taxicab. Inside, she and a cheap-looking minister waited for him. So he stepped up to the altar, and the minister began. He spoke about how only "each other" were there to witness the marriage, and then suddenly started digressing about his job and the cheap little chapel. He took a quick drink from a flask.

He asked for a ring, which Fawn already had, and then he asked for a hundred bucks. "I don't have it," said Larry, "I thought this was a temple of love!" But the minister wouldn't marry them until he was paid an extra hundred dollars, and he ran out.

Larry promised Fawn that he'd be back with the money soon, and she implored him to hurry.


	16. Lady Luck Slots

**_Lady Luck Slots_**

* * *

Larry went back to the Casino Hotel, which was within safe walking distance from the chapel. This time, he tried random luck with one of the slot machines.

Slots was the kind of game of chance that nobody but the casino slot programmers could control the outcome of, so this time, Larry was grasping at straws. Luckily, it seemed good fortune went with him everywhere, or at least when it came to gambling, and after losing some money, he finally won a big enough jackpot to afford the cheap wedding. With his new-found winnings he eagerly returned to the chapel.


	17. The Loose Wedding

**_The "Loose" Wedding_**

* * *

Larry hustled back to the chapel, where Fawn was still waiting at the altar. The minister was back, too. Larry walked up to the altar, and again the minister addressed his non-existent audience, digressed about the chapel's décor, took a drink, and asked about the ring and the hundred dollars.

Larry paid him up front, and the satisfied clergyman pronounced them man and wife, subsequently running out to refill his flask while saying, "You may kiss the bride." But Fawn asked to wait until they had some private time in a room. She would rent the honeymoon suite in the Casino Hotel, and she immediately left the chapel to do so.

"Hey Fawn, baby, wait for me!"

The sacred bonds of marriage were sure tied up loosely in this joint!


	18. Whining for Wine

**_Whining for Wine_**

* * *

Somehow Fawn managed to get a long head start on Larry. Larry walked over to the Casino Hotel again and went to the elevator near the Cabaret lounge. He pressed "four," because that was the floor the honeymoon suite was on.

He knocked on the suite's door, and Fawn excitedly let him in. There was a heart-shaped bed in the middle of the room, and a radio plugged in nearby. Larry suggested they begin consummating, but Fawn said that she wanted one more present to get her in the mood: wine. Suddenly, a commercial on the radio announced that Ajax Liquor was available to deliver booze, and their phone number was 555-8039.

Larry told Fawn that he would order some wine, and then he'd be right back.


	19. What Did You Say?

**_What Did You Say?_**

* * *

For some reason, Larry felt compelled to use the phone outside the Quick-E-Mart to order the wine. It would give them more time to deliver it before he returned.

When he got there, curiously enough, the phone was ringing. He answered it, and a woman spoke lustfully to him, using each answer he gave to the National Hot Line Sex Survey earlier in the night. She seemed to be either teasing or taunting him, he couldn't tell which. When she hung up, and he got over the shock, Larry called Ajax Liquor and asked them to deliver a bottle of wine to the Casino Hotel honeymoon suite. They obliged him, and he called a cab yet again and returned to the Casino Hotel.


	20. Sensuous Treachery

**_Sensuous Treachery_**

* * *

When he returned to the honeymoon suite, Larry opened the delivered bottle of wine and poured two glasses. He and Fawn downed a couple of glassfuls, and Fawn looked ready. Larry took off everything except his boxer trunks, and Fawn said she had a surprise for him, so, "Close your eyes."

Fawn teased him a little with some kisses, and Larry asked when she was going to get undressed. Suddenly, she took out a hidden rope and tied Larry securely to the bed. Then, she got out of bed, looked in his wallet, and stole every last dollar he had in it!

Larry protested. She claimed he forgot to pay her for the wine, and walked out of Larry's life without ever looking back, ignoring Larry's further protests. It looked like the honeymoon ended before it even began!


	21. What a Relief!

**_What a Relief!_**

* * *

Larry couldn't believe that Fawn would betray him like this. He guessed that she was one of the kinky girls the old wino had warned him about. But that also reminded him of the pocket knife the wino had given him. Using the knife, he cut himself free from his restraints. Getting dressed again, he was relieved that Fawn didn't notice the ten dollars hidden in the secret compartment. His consummate gambling skills should get him back on his feet in no time.

Taking Fawn's rope in case it might come in handy, but leaving the wine behind, Larry exited the honeymoon suite and made sure it was locked. Then he intended to return to the slots and gamble.


	22. Break the Bank

**_Break the Bank_**

* * *

Back in the casino, to his amazement, Larry managed to get some more money out of ten dollars without going penniless. Not taking any more chances with having less money than necessary, he played the slot machine until he broke the bank and won $250.00, the casino's limit for each player. Feeling a little better, he decided to check out other floors in the Casino Hotel.

On the eighth floor, a receptionist was working at her desk. Larry tried to come on to her, but she was very businesslike, and only introduced herself as Faith. Larry wanted to hit it off with her, but she was resisting for the moment. He decided to return to the hooker's room at Lefty's and try to find something to stimulate Faith that the hooker was willing to give up.


	23. Looking for a Toy

**_Looking for a Toy_**

* * *

At Lefty's, the pimp, who was still watching his porn, let Larry through after he said the password again. Larry went up to the hooker's room and looked around. The hooker was still in bed, smoking, but nothing kinky or tempting was visible in the room. Disappointed, Larry went out to the fire escape again.

This time, though, he thought he saw something in the next window. He couldn't reach it with his body alone, but then he remembered his rope, and tied it to himself. Then he tied it to the railing. He got out of the fire escape and tried to reach the window, only to find that it was closed and locked!


	24. Nice Spanish Fly

**_Nice Spanish Fly_**

* * *

Always the improviser, Larry found a way to get through the window: with Lefty's trusty hammer! He make a small, subtle smash in the window, and was finally able to take the thing inside. He went back to the fire escape and examined what he found. It was a bottle full of pills with a partial label on it. What was left of the label said the letters, "nish" and "Fl."

It must mean "Spanish Fly." That should ignite Faith's instincts!

Untying the rope, he fell into the dumpster again, and, dusting himself off, he hailed a taxi one more time that night and returned to the Casino Hotel.


	25. Faith is Faithful

**_Faith _is_ Faithful_**

* * *

Larry soon made his way to the eighth floor of the hotel once again. Faith was still at her desk. She still wasn't interested in Larry, until he gave her the pills. Surprised to see her favorite drugs before her, she gobbled them up until the bottle was empty, and she began breathing hard.

Thanking Larry, she rushed off to "find my boyfriend before this stuff wears off!"

Larry guessed Faith _was_ true to her name. He looked at her desk disappointedly. He pushed a button that stood out on the desk. The penthouse elevator doors glided open. Ever adventurous, Larry decided to check it out, figuring there may be something even there.


	26. A Beautiful Penthouse

**_A Beautiful Penthouse_**

* * *

The elevator doors glided open again, and Larry found himself in the penthouse suite. It was amazingly luxurious. A curved couch was in the living room, along with several decorative pieces of art and a polar bear skin on the floor. He listened for a voice, and thought he heard a gurgling noise coming from somewhere.

He chose to check the hallway first, and entered the bedroom, which had a comfortable-looking bed and a closet. No one was there. He checked the closet, and the only interesting thing was a big, inflatable doll, Larry's kind of "big" doll. He picked it up and tried to take it with him, but it caught on a protruding nail and was punctured. It started to fly out of the room.

Go get her, Larry!


	27. A Beautiful Jacuzzi

**_A Beautiful Jacuzzi_**

* * *

The doll sped out an open glass doorway and outside. Larry had a feeling he wasn't going to be able to catch it, and he was right. It flew away from the roof and was gone. "So long, baby," he shouted.

However, Larry suddenly noticed a jacuzzi sitting nearby. It was full of bubbling water and a beautiful woman. Once more, Larry was filled with hope that he could fulfill his quest. He walked over to the hot tub, where the lady invited him to get in the water so they could really get to know each other. An excited Larry stripped his clothes off once more and got in the water. The water sure felt good to him, relaxing his muscles and helping him to recover from his long walking about. In fact, he loved it. Having discovered that, he turned his attention to the woman.


	28. A Beautiful Woman

**_A Beautiful Woman_**

* * *

The woman was naked, and she had quite the breasts. Larry could tell this, even with the bubbles in the jacuzzi. He decided to turn off the bubbles, though, to get an even better look, and she didn't seem to mind, curiously. She introduced herself as Eve, and Larry tried to come on to her. Words didn't work perfectly, but he had another idea. He still had the apple he had bought from the man in the barrel. He offered it to her.

Eve took the apple gratefully, and slowly ate it in the most sensual way possible. Larry never knew fruit could be so exciting! When she was finished, Eve got out of the tub and covered up with a towel, inviting Larry to follow her.


	29. Fireworks!

**_Fireworks!_**

* * *

Larry put on his boxer shorts after getting out of the water, and gladly followed Eve to her bedroom. She remarked, "Hey, Larry, you really are glad to see me!" She led him through the living room and on to the bedroom. When they got there, Eve sat on the bed and patted the space next to her, meaning she wanted Larry to sit there. And a few moments later...

Hey, fireworks!

Larry felt like he had finally done it, and with some time to spare before dawn! He came out of his shell, lost his virginity, satisfied his heart, and emerged victorious! He believed he and Eve had a good, long life ahead of them!


	30. Ken Williams

**_Ken Williams_**

* * *

As Larry and Eve continued to consummate with each other, a strange man named Ken Williams stepped into their story's conclusion. He wanted to thank everyone who helped him make this marvelous adventure for mature people everywhere to enjoy playing, and said to stay tuned, because one day, there would be a Leisure Suit Larry sequel. Unfortunately, they hadn't yet worked out a name for it, so the good people who loved Larry Laffer would have to wait before they could learn that.

And that was the conclusion of the first story about Leisure Suit Larry Laffer.

Love ya', baby!


End file.
